tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post6535370746990466323..comments2024-01-25T13:50:36.131-08:00Comments on Excavator: The many faces of 'No'excavatorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12977971829976807873noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-32135652105148408002009-02-02T10:19:00.000-08:002009-02-02T10:19:00.000-08:00Hi, DougI think the main reason I haven't taken on...Hi, Doug<BR/><BR/>I think the main reason I haven't taken on a second job has been the intense need for solitude. Since Scott started school a few years ago this has been an extensive period of concentrated reflection (when they're actually <I>in</I> school, dammit). I still have that need, and so I'm going to keep my day job a little longer. In the meantime my radar is up, alert for that vibration that might tell me a position is available that might be worth leaving 'retirement' for.<BR/><BR/>I'm very lucky to have some choice in the matter, at least for now. Gary's talking about some announcement coming at the end of this month at his work.<BR/><BR/>I just remembered your capacity as career counselor! And your kind offer to be a resource. Perhaps I'll be taking you up on that sometime.excavatorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12977971829976807873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-51616460364094058692009-01-28T12:04:00.000-08:002009-01-28T12:04:00.000-08:00Whatever happens, things will change.Perhaps one f...Whatever happens, things will change.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps one first step could be to find that source of independent income that allows you to spend time alone and to reflect. Maybe part-time paid employment that fits in with school hours to start with. A quiet bookshop; or a behind-the-scenes position in a library; possibly something connected with what you did before but with a different emphasis that isn't so physically demanding.<BR/><BR/>The children, and Gary, will understand and appreciate the need to have the job. It may even change the way you are viewed within the family. It will certainly enable you to feel more independent. Then, after trying that for a period you can revisit the various options for where and how you live.Douglas Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02123669708037831176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-44626222321208555412009-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:002009-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00Hi, Lori. Secret smile. Quiet joy...guess we sha...Hi, Lori. Secret smile. Quiet joy...guess we share that understanding, too. And that means a lot to me.<BR/><BR/>Hi, Naomi! Thanks for your kind words. Looks like you're a champion for my return to the work force. That was nice of you to write, and thanks for stopping by.<BR/><BR/>Martha, I <I>loved</I> your strategies for 'no' and I plan to use them! Thank you very much!<BR/><BR/>Yeah, this 'No' work is taking me some places I'd never have foreseen. I really appreciate the encouragement in these comments.excavatorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12977971829976807873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-22952121279533816522009-01-26T13:59:00.000-08:002009-01-26T13:59:00.000-08:00What an incredible post, I wish you peace and clar...What an incredible post, I wish you peace and clarity as you work on these issues. It always amuses me that toddlers can say, "No" without reservation or equivocation, but as adults, it so difficult. I have a strategy re."No", actually two, one I use w/our boys - "No is my final answer, not my opening bid" when it comes to parental decisions. I use this method to deal with the gap after of "No", I will say to the person, "I hope you can work it out" or something along that line. It's been very helpful because well, I do! Just not with my involvement at this time... Thanks for sharing your thoughts.Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essentialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07129428477996644401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-22802230401962423362009-01-25T11:32:00.000-08:002009-01-25T11:32:00.000-08:00I agree with Lori that this is a watershed type of...I agree with Lori that this is a watershed type of post. You are uncovering rich ground here. <BR/><BR/>My thoughts regarding going back to work:<BR/><I>1. It will change your relationship with your husband.</I> No matter how much time and blood energy you spend cleaning, cooking, chauffering, shopping, caring, tutoring, and volunteering for your sons, the primary effort that your husband understands and relates to is time and energy spent in outside work. That is his point of reference. That is his point of <B>value.</B> I've seen it with my own parents. He will be much more sympathtic and empathetic to the time pressures and physical demands of outside work than to what you endure at home. Your relationship may actually improve. <BR/><BR/><I>2. It will change your relationship with your sons.</I> You will be more than the live-in maid, the "go-to" person whenever there is a problem. They will take a real interest in your work and want to talk about it. It will be a point about which they will develop greater respect for you. They may even see you as stronger and more independent.<BR/><BR/><I>3. It will allow you to negotiate from a position of power.</I> I've seen this with my sister-in-law, my own mother, and other women friends with young children. As soon as they are working and have their own means, they are free to <B>act</B>--in their own interest. They are able to "buy time" for themselves, or move away from unhappy relationships. Not going back to work pretty much forces you into the status quo.<BR/><BR/><I>4. It will help you weather the inevitable fact that things will change.</I> That is the one great constant in life. Difficult changes like parental aging and sickness, or even our own sickness or decline will occur. Breaking away changes like your sons spending more time with friends, and getting ready for college will occur too. A cushion, or your own means, will help ease these changes. <BR/><BR/><I>5. It doesn't have to be forever.</I> You can try it for 6 months to a year and if it's not working out for <I>you,</I> you can stop. You have the great advantage of being in healthcare too, which is always in demand, and provides great flexibility.<BR/><BR/>RE: you and your husband being poor marital role models for your kids, I had the shocking experience last night of being asked by my grade-school daughter: Why do you and Daddy get along so well? I was quite stunned by the question and didn't know how to answer, as that is not <I>my</I> experience of our relationship, but it is <I>hers.</I> Your sons' reality and experience of your marriage may be quite different from your own.<BR/><BR/>RE: the reasonableness of a garage/studio apartment, one issue comes to mind, and that is the thought of you or your (future) ex having a new relationship. Would you want his girlfriend (or your friend) living in that studio? Would you mind her close proximity to your sons?<BR/><BR/>Thank you for sharing your rich excavations!Naomihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10831134255064457233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278805446419475912.post-31847643208593953752009-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:002009-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:00"This is when I'm happiest. If only there was some..."This is when I'm happiest. If only there was some way I could do that for a living, or something that brings comparable...joy. Quiet joy."<BR/><BR/>We most definitely share DNA.<BR/><BR/>So many questions here. You do so well at sticking with something until you untangle it. You are not an ADHD thinker.<BR/><BR/>You keep getting closer to your answer. This post seems like a big leap.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.com