Guess what I did today?

This is actually what inspired me to go ahead and make the appointment.  I'm sure Barry would be pleased.  Maybe I can still get the certificate he promised.

BYLINE:  By Dave Barry,
>>> McClatchy  Newspapers
>>> 
>>> OK. You turned  50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy.
>>> But you  haven't.
>>> 
>>> Here are your reasons:
>>>      1. You've been  busy.
>>>      2. You don't have a history of  cancer in your family.
>>>      3. You haven't noticed any  problems.
>>>      4. You don't want a doctor to  stick a tube
>>> 17,000 feet up your behind.
>>> 
>>> Let's  examine these reasons one at a time.
>>> 
>>> No, wait,  let's not.
>>> 
>>> Because  you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is
>>> natural.  The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming
>>> deeply  involved in what is  technically known as your "behindular  zone"
>>> gives you the  creeping willies. I know  this because I am like you, except
>>> worse. I yield to nobody in the  field of being a pathetic  weenie medical
>>> coward. I become faint  and nauseous during even very minor medical
>>> procedures such as making an  appointment by phone. It's much worse when I
>>> come into  physical contact with the medical  profession. More than  one
>>> doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my  forehead striking it
>>> seconds  after I got a shot.
>>> 
>>> In 1997, when  I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a  colonoscopy.
>>> I agreed that I definitely should,  but not right away. By following this
>>> policy, I reached age 55 without  having had a colonoscopy. Then I  did
>>> something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly  ashamed to tell
>>> you about  it.
>>> 
>>> What happened  was, a giant 40 - foot replica of a human colon came toMiami
>>> Beach.   Really.   It's an  educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon,
>>> and it was on a nationwide  tour to promote awareness  of colo - rectal
>>> cancer. The idea  is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you
>>> encounter various  educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and
>>> hemorrhoids the  size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ' Whoa, I
>>> better find out if I  contain any of these things, ' and you get a
>>> colonoscopy.  
>>> 
>>> If you are as  a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon
>>> within a 200 -  mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I
>>> went to  Miami  Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon.   I wrote a
>>> column about  it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also  urged everyone
>>> to get a colonoscopy.  I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon,
>>> signed a pledge stating  that I would get one.  But I  didn't get one.
>>> I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar.   I was practically a member  of
>>> Congress. 
>>> 
>>> Five more years passed. I  turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a
>>> colonoscopy. Then, a  couple of weeks ago, I got an e - mail from my brother
>>> Sam, who is 10  years younger than I am, but more mature.  The e - mail  was
>>> addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It  said:
>>> Dear  Brothers,
>>> I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded  diagnosis: cancer.
>>> We're told it's early and that  there is a good prognosis that they can get
>>> it all out, so, fingers  crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of
>>> course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you  both
>>> have.
>>> 
>>> Um.  Well.
>>> 
>>> First I called Sam.
>>> He was hopeful, but scared.
>>> We  talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable,
>>> a  gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.   A few
>>> days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
>>> lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
>>> briefly through Minneapolis.
>>> Then Andy  explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
>>> reassuring and  patient manner.  I  nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
>>> hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, "HE'S GOING
>>> TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
>>> 
>>> I left Andy's office with some  written instructions, and a prescription for
>>> a product called "MoviPrep,"  which comes in a box large enough to hold a
>>> microwave oven.  I will  discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice
>>> it to say, that we  must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
>>> enemies.  I  spent the next several days productively sitting around being
>>> nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
>>> In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that  day;
>>> all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with  less
>>> flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the  MoviPrep.
>>> 
>>> You mix two  packets of powder together in a one - liter plastic jug, then
>>> you fill it  with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric
>>> system, a  liter is about 32 gallons.)  Then you have to drink the whole
>>> jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am  being
>>> kind) like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a  hint of
>>> lemon. 
>>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by  somebody with a great
>>> sense of  humor, state that after you drink it,  "a loose watery bowel
>>> movement may result."
>>> This is kind of like  saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
>>> experience contact with  the ground.  MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
>>> 
>>> I don't want to  be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space
>>> shuttle  launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
>>> the  shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
>>> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
>>> violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure  you must
>>> be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at  which
>>> point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and  start
>>> eliminating food that you have not even eaten  yet.
>>> 
>>> After an  action - packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>>> 
>>> The next morning  my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
>>> only was I worried  about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
>>> occasional return bouts  of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, "What if I
>>> spurt on  Andy?"  How do you apologize to a friend for something like  that?
>>> Flowers would not be enough.
>>> 
>>> At the clinic I had to  sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
>>> totally agreed with  whatever the h**ll the forms said.  Then they led me to
>>> a room full  of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
>>> curtained space  and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
>>> garments designed  by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
>>> makes you feel even  more naked than when you are actually naked.
>>> 
>>> Then a nurse  named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>>> Ordinarily I  would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
>>> lying down.   Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
>>> MoviPrep. 
>>> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
>>> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
>>> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.   You would
>>> have no choice but to burn your house.
>>> 
>>> When  everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
>>> Andy  was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the
>>> 17,000 - foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I
>>> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left  side,
>>> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in  my
>>> hand.
>>> 
>>> There was music playing in the  room, and I realized that the song was
>>> "Dancing Queen" by Abba. I remarked to Andy  that, of all the songs that
>>> could be playing during this particular  procedure, "Dancing Queen" has  to
>>> be the least appropriate.  "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy,  from
>>> somewhere behind me.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> "Ha ha," I said.
>>> 
>>> And then it  was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
>>> decade. If you  are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
>>> you, in  explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>>> 
>>> I have no  idea.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> Really. I slept through it.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> One moment,  Abba was shrieking "Dancing  Queen ! Feel the beat from the
>>> tambourine . . ." and the next moment, I  was back in the other room, waking
>>> up in a very mellow mood.  Andy  was looking down at me and asking me how I
>>> felt.
>>> 
>>> I felt excellent.
>>> 
>>> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over,  and that
>>> my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been  prouder of an
>>> internal organ.
>>> 
>>> But my point is this: In addition to  being a pathetic medical weenie, I was
>>> a complete moron. For more than a  decade I avoided getting a procedure that
>>> was, essentially, nothing. There  was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep,
>>> no discomfort.
>>> 
>>> I was  risking my life for nothing.
>>> 
>>> If my brother Sam had been  as stupid as I was, if, when he turned 50, he
>>> had ignored all the medical  advice and avoided getting screened he still
>>> would have had  cancer.
>>> 
>>> He just wouldn't have known.
>>> 
>>> And by the time he  did know, by the time he felt symptoms, his situation
>>> would have been  much, much more serious.
>>> 
>>> But because he was a grown - up,  the doctors caught the cancer early, and
>>> they operated and took it out.  Sam is now recovering and eating what he
>>> describes as "really, really  boring food."  His prognosis is good, and
>>> everybody is optimistic,  fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.
>>> 
>>> Which brings us to  you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over - 50 - And - Hasn't
>>> - Had - a -  Colonoscopy yet...
>>> 
>>> Here's the deal: You either have colorectal  cancer, or you don't.  If you
>>> do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors  to find it and do something about it.
>>> And if you don't have  cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you
>>> don't.
>>> 
>>> There  is no sane reason for you not to have it done. I am so eager for you
>>> to do  this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited  Time
>>> Offer.  If you, after  reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by
>>> sending a self - addressed  stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy
>>> Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla.  33132.
>>> I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and  suitable for framing
>>> if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate,  stating that you are a
>>> grown - up who got a  colonoscopy!
>>> 
>>> Accompanying this certificate will be a square of  limited - edition custom
>>> - printed toilet paper with an image of Miss  Paris Hilton on it. You may
>>> frame this also, or use it in whatever other  way you deem fit.
>>> 
>>> But even if you don't want this inducement,  please get a colonoscopy. If I
>>> can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.
>>> 
>>> But be  sure to stress that you want the non - Abba  version.
>>>