I Miss...

I so miss blogging, regularly.  I miss being able to count on days with blocks of time to fill with my writing and uninterrupted thinking.  

Even when I was an at-home mom and during the school year could count on, with some exceptions, 5 days a week of about 6 hours' alone time, that time seemed to slip through my fingers.  

Now, other than weekends, I have one day off every other week, as I work my .9 FTE schedule (72 hrs every two weeks, vs 80).  I left a job that had unhealthy dynamics for one with more professional boundaries, but in doing so had to increase hours to get the least costly health insurance option; also I had to let go of three day weekends since I came in to a large organization with no seniority and all the Mondays and Fridays off were taken.

Funny, the choices that so often mimic the alternatives of The Little Mermaid:  to be with the one she loved she had to adopt legs, which hurt her with every step.  When I'm a more enlightened person will choices be less fraught, less conflicted?

We're right at 3 years of our separation, my still-husband and I.  I've needed this long rest to gather for the next step, which is to finalize and legalize the dissolution of this marriage.  Hopefully it won't be too difficult, since Oregon is a no-fault state and I'm fine with a 50/50 split of our assets.  The holy grail is to be able to do this without lawyers, just the filing fee.  (But you've got to start looking at the forms you've downloaded, Debora!)

Our situation is financially complicated in that Gary does not have a regular benefitted job.  He's worked very hard since his layoff to generate a steady income, but has not yet found traction.  Thus he can't afford his own household and so I'm supporting two, and we're dipping into savings to stay afloat.  This isn't sustainable, and at some point I fear I'm going to have to withdraw my assistance.  It would be so much easier if he was already self-supporting.

I've learned a lot in these past 6 years as I approached the decision to separate from Gary.  Six years ago I would have thought I was going to still be together with him as a (unhappy) couple, trying to live with the misery and largely blaming myself.  I had been trained for such a life my entire childhood:  doing what it took to belong and blaming myself when I felt bad.

The trouble was, I could see the negative effects it was having on Connor and Scott, and it was breaking my heart.  They were beginning to behave like angry children, and I feared for their future.

What seems very interesting is that I’ve learned a lot from what I’ve been able to not-do, that is, when it’s come to my boys, I’ve been able to refrain from putting the obstacles in their path that would have forced them to adapt (except for the bad marriage obstacle.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t spare them that, and they’ve probably had to make adaptations that are not good for them.  I suppose one of my hopes of having separated from Gary so they can really see the components of what made our marriage bad, is that they can clearly see—what makes communication and relationships go bad…and that it’s not them.  It’s continuously being up against someone who throws obstacles in front of being True, and who doesn’t take responsibility and instead blames).  It’s interesting I could do for my boys what I couldn’t do for me; although in doing it for my boys I was instructed in how to do it for me.  That’s true.  At every step that I was pressurred to teach my boys to turn on themselves and shut themselves down in the same way I’d been taught to turn on myself and shut myself down, I couldn’t do it.  Or if I gave way to the pressure it felt so bad that I had to back away from it and tell them I was sorry, because I was.  It was Wrong.

I miss following blogs.  I miss my cousins', my friends from far away, the friends I've never met.  I miss the thrill of recognition of  kindred souls, who have allowed their minds to run free.