My counselor suggests this one: Doldrums as Protective Screen
In other words, awful as this period in my life feels, it's a firewall to shield me from something worse.
Or, it's like the wall of background radiation from the Big Bang, beyond which humans have been unable to penetrate.
It does have a bedrocky feel.
In the world of insight psychology the theory is that the obstacles to living fully are the very defenses we put up in order to adapt to a demanding world when we were newly conscious beings. We warped ourselves in order to placate those we were dependent upon for survival. (Additionally, those we were warping ourselves to please were themselves warped by their own adaptations. So we adapt to their adaptations.) (Not all of us were subservient; some of us warped ourselves in order to defy those we were dependent upon. I myself was too afraid of pain to be heroic)
If I'm understanding Shannon correctly, my decision to go-along meant leaving my Soul behind. Feeling deadened is in some ways preferable to feeling the full significance of the realization that those we depend upon are fallible and untrustworthy. Apparently knowing fully just how capricious my guardians were was so terrible that I had to protect myself from that knowledge by blaming myself whenever our paths crossed. I had to sacrifice myself in favor of them, and whatever it was I did in myself to account for that set up patterns in my behavior that doomed me to repeating the same patterns over and over.
And it's true that there seemed to be a cyclical, patterned, almost pre-ordained predictability to my relationships (especially romantic) that were infuriating, yet implacable. In order to keep the people I loved, I had to be different from who I really was.
So, maybe the Doldrums is about returning to an experience which was a consequence of having renounced my True Self in order to get along with those who needed it of me in order that they could live comfortably within themselves. According to the theory, my next developmental task is to feel the feelings that I avoided feeling by opting for deadening instead. Which I have no idea how to do. I have no idea how to access feelings that hypothetically would have destroyed me to feel as an infant and so hypothetically this preverbal self opted to deny herSelf in order to survive.
In some ways it sounds like so much shit.