Incoherent

Today my thoughts are just not bonding to words very well--I feel like the whole edifice collapses of its own weight when I try to do any articulation. So things are not only incoherent, they're fragile.

Here's a fact of today. I'm in a waiting posture that is inappropriate to the situation, and it's uncomfortable for me. I'm not supposed to feel like I'm a single person being stood up on a date when the guy who fixes the door calls to say that he has a quick job and he'll call when he's ready to come--and then 4 hours pass.

It's almost amusing, the predicament of blurring roles. If this were a pure professional/client transaction I might be annoyed at the unprofessionalism of his failure to update me, but I wouldn't have that peculiar waiting-with-hunger feeling. I probably wouldn't have hesitated to call *him* either, to ask if he's coming-today-or-what.

The problem is, there is something I'd hoped to say to him when we saw each other for the final fix on the door. I just wanted to tell him that it had been a nice experience for me, meeting him. That perhaps the 'grace of God' he alluded to accounts for it: he's been successful in allowing himself to be transparent and let the grace of God shine through. That what prompts me to say that is the fact of feeling lighter as a result of his presence; of wanting to do better and be better. That this is a remarkable quality to have, and surely has been remarked upon before. That it has unexpectedly shed some light on some spiritual lifting I've been doing--and thanks. I've been afraid of starting to say this and messing it up. And it's been tough to wait. He was to have come yesterday, but I called and asked that it be today on account of keeping Scott home from school after a night of vomiting. I had already waited nearly a week after the last time I saw him, when he scheduled our appointment for a time slot just before I go to the school to volunteer, the day before yesterday. He still hadn't finished but anticipated it was just assemble-it-all-in-25-minutes and it would be done. That was to have been this morning, and it appears that the words that have been burning a hole in my mind are going to have to stay parked there for a while longer. Contemplating that, I realize how tiring it's been.

So I guess I'm about to call and to ask if he's coming-today-or-what. It's kind of perplexing that he didn't update. Perhaps that's a clue that maybe the client/professional model is messed up a bit for him too by that friendship field I'd sensed between us. It makes it a little difficult to know how to proceed.

Update

I did call. Tomorrow. 10. Whew.