Friday, December 14, 2007


Today my thoughts are just not bonding to words very well--I feel like the whole edifice collapses of its own weight when I try to do any articulation. So things are not only incoherent, they're fragile.

Here's a fact of today. I'm in a waiting posture that is inappropriate to the situation, and it's uncomfortable for me. I'm not supposed to feel like I'm a single person being stood up on a date when the guy who fixes the door calls to say that he has a quick job and he'll call when he's ready to come--and then 4 hours pass.

It's almost amusing, the predicament of blurring roles. If this were a pure professional/client transaction I might be annoyed at the unprofessionalism of his failure to update me, but I wouldn't have that peculiar waiting-with-hunger feeling. I probably wouldn't have hesitated to call *him* either, to ask if he's coming-today-or-what.

The problem is, there is something I'd hoped to say to him when we saw each other for the final fix on the door. I just wanted to tell him that it had been a nice experience for me, meeting him. That perhaps the 'grace of God' he alluded to accounts for it: he's been successful in allowing himself to be transparent and let the grace of God shine through. That what prompts me to say that is the fact of feeling lighter as a result of his presence; of wanting to do better and be better. That this is a remarkable quality to have, and surely has been remarked upon before. That it has unexpectedly shed some light on some spiritual lifting I've been doing--and thanks. I've been afraid of starting to say this and messing it up. And it's been tough to wait. He was to have come yesterday, but I called and asked that it be today on account of keeping Scott home from school after a night of vomiting. I had already waited nearly a week after the last time I saw him, when he scheduled our appointment for a time slot just before I go to the school to volunteer, the day before yesterday. He still hadn't finished but anticipated it was just assemble-it-all-in-25-minutes and it would be done. That was to have been this morning, and it appears that the words that have been burning a hole in my mind are going to have to stay parked there for a while longer. Contemplating that, I realize how tiring it's been.

So I guess I'm about to call and to ask if he's coming-today-or-what. It's kind of perplexing that he didn't update. Perhaps that's a clue that maybe the client/professional model is messed up a bit for him too by that friendship field I'd sensed between us. It makes it a little difficult to know how to proceed.


I did call. Tomorrow. 10. Whew.

1 comment:

Douglas W said...

I could just imagine you pacing about... your feelings racing from the pleasure of the anticipation to the disappointment of the non-arrival... It's one of those times when our feelings can take over and we are prone to making decisions that are not always the best... Should I? Shouldn't I? Will I? Won't I? I wonder what happens next...