Thursday, December 6, 2007

An infatuation

While knowing it's completely inappropriate to act on (but I still nurture it in my private thoughts), I've had a crush of sorts with the door guy. I feel foolish and silly saying it; but I guess it can't be that foolish considering the facts: I feel pleasure in his company. I'm reminded of something Jeff said to me once: "You en-lighten me. You make me feel lighter, better." That's how I've felt. Lighter and better, and it's a distinct contrast with how I usually feel. So I take notice.

It's like that fox (I think) in the Little Prince who allows the boy to tame him. In describing for the boy the process of taming, he walked through the stages of (1) presence, then (2) looking forward to presence, then (3) becoming so eager for presence that when a time is coming that's associated with the presence you get so excited you can't contain yourself and run around the room while waiting for the arrival. That's what it's been like with this man, and like I said, it seems worthy of considering.

I do feel warmed by the clues that he likes me too. It's either that, or he is naturally a person that puts people at their ease and they find it pleasant to be around him.

I'm sorry that today is the last day he'll be working on our door because I've come to associate these feelings with his presence or anticipation of his presence. So it seems that his leaving may take them...

It's been nice to feel happy and buoyed up by potential for a while.

That seems enough for now.


Douglas W said...

It seems that this was a brief moment of "en-lightenment" in you life, which has become something of a battle. It is not surprising that you feel such feelings about people. You are not getting that sense of enjoyment and worth from the person you married. And I agree with you that those feelings of anticipation, the pleasure of the company, the disappointment of the departure are exciting. Your life needs some of that excitement.

excavator said...

I just read your short story "Looking For Herself". After looking at your reply I read over my post again. It's just interesting to hold my story and yours in juxtaposition. Kind of different, kind of related.